Humor
Моя знакомая из Канады постоянно присылает мне местные шутки и истории на английском, решил поделиться с вами.
WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless...
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband leftMinnesota and flew to Florida
on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room,
so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally
left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
Too black a humor, quite typical of them
But entertaining
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*
The Obedient Wife
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died he was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just! before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm ! a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
_________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'. Next day
she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
_________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
_________
A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That
happens in every country, son.'
__________
Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
every word you say...talk in your sleep.
_________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks,
'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________
'A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand
a man, to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
__________
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to
fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece
of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and
Magnums.
And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!'
And
Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And so they
gained
10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure
that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the
cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue
Cheese
dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened
their belts following the repast.
God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which
to cook them'.
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped
lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own
platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming
with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre
into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious
quantities
of salt.
And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so
that
his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would
not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and
cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging
suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then
Satan
said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size
'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into
cardiac
arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health
Service.*
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION*
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the
final
word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer
heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than us
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently
what kills you.
Send this to at least 14 friends in the next 60 minutes to receive
absolutely nothing back and something good may not happen, but may, or
again may not, but who cares, cos it's funny
Here endeth the Lesson.
Word Puzzle
See if you can figure out what these words have in common.
1 Banana
2 Dresser
3 Grammar
4 Potato
5 Revive
6 Uneven
7 Assess
Are you peeking or have you already given up?
Give it another try . Look at each word carefully.
(You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.)
This Is Cool.
Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.
(Thought I had the answer, but I did not go far enough.)
scroll down for the REAL answer
Answer:
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter,
place it at the end of the word,
and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.
1