Анекдоты на английском языке


Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven...
Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says:"You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in." The second says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter:"Wash both your hands and go in. Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St.Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks *What's going on? One of them shouts I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder...
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

...And I will do anything for love.
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I have. I have." Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

A perfect choice
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed. About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he says. "You must be mistaken," she says. "Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs." "But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"


A Jewish Mother
Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
You're going out?
With whom?
With a friend.
I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
I didn't leave him. He left me!
You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
What are you hinting at?
Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
He's not a loser.
A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.
I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Poor children with such a mother.
Such as what?
With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Now you're worried about the loser?
Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Goodbye, mother.
Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

Why is it so hard for women to find kind, sweet...
Why is it so hard for women to find kind, sweet, sensitive men in this world?
Because they already have boyfriends!


 It's not a big deal, but it feels good
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."
The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"
The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"
The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"
She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

 A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"

 а почему так пошло?
хоть и тонкий юмор,но все же...

 ни что человеческое... (с)

 чёт не смешно

 выкладывай смешнее ))) я с удовольствием почитаю )

 ничо ни понила..)

 И не смешно..((

 Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."


> "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"


> "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.


> "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"


> "Si, Senor, that's the one."


> "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he

> die from?"


> "From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"


> "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"


> "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."


> "Dead horse? What dead horse?"


> "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."


> "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"


> "Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."


> "Are you insane? What water cart?"


> "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"


> "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"


> "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on

> fire."


> "What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because

> of a candle??!!!


> "Yes Senor Rod."


> "But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"


> "For the funeral, Senor Rod."



> "Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I

> thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike

> Driver."


> SILENCE.................... , LONG SILENCE....


> "Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

 The Harley-Davidson Facts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a r oad?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

 7 degrees of Blonde


A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

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Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

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A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital

of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

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What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"
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Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

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Returning home from work, a

blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps..

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman."