JOKES))

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Philosophy degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined . Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of 0. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"Amen"

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

A executive is on a buisness trip touring Britain and he decides to give his wife a call. The maid answers.

"Hello I'd like to speak to my wife please." he says.

The maid replies "No I'm, afraid she's in bed with her lover at the moment"

The man is obviously shocked and so he asks the maid, "Would you like to earn ,000 in a few minutes?"

"Yeah sure," The maid answers,"What do I need to do?"

"Take my shotgun out of the closet, walk into the bedroom and shoot them both." He hears two muffled shots and then the maid says,

"What shall I do with the bodies?" she says.

"Bury them in the back yard next to the swimming pool." he tells her.

"What swimming pool?" she enquires.

"Is this 24 Acia Terrace...?"

$$$$Funny sayings and quotes$$$$

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.

Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.